They Chose Me
My parents wanted a big family. It did not happen. By the time I came along when my mom was 40 years old I was welcomed warmly into the family as a miracle of sorts. Into a family that while very dysfunctional, I was wanted and supported in the ways they knew how to give. For good and for bad, they chose me. As the youngest of three children, I was oblivious as a child to what had come before me. With one sister 19 years older and another sister 9 years older, there was already a long history of family life.
When I got older I wondered why my sisters and I were so far apart in age. In asking my younger sister she explained that our mother had had at least 10 miscarriages, possibly more. A fact, along with the family pattern of being unwilling to process emotion, that had led to a great deal of sadness. Along with the sadness came a disharmony. At times home felt more like a war zone. I can give countless reasons why I wouldn't want anyone to experience my childhood and yet my overwhelming sense, from this point in life, is that I was fortunate. Some of that good fortune has been well-earned. I have spent much of adulthood consciously healing childhood wounds.
At this moment, in the midst of an ongoing national conversation on the autonomy of our bodies, the big gift I am receiving is the awareness that I was chosen by two parents who went through hell to have a child. I was that child. I am here because they chose me. Over and over again, they chose me.
In exploring both gratitude and forgiveness a truth arose that is often missed in both practices. The willingness to allow ourselves to feel the emotions that prevent us from being grateful or forgiving. In the case of my mother I had to allow myself to truly acknowledge what happened during my upbringing. To allow myself to feel the pain and anger I had bottled up inside for so long. To allow myself a grieving of the grievances to be felt. To be willing to visit and revisit my childhood traumas through conscious breathing and journaling. I was learning to feel into my experiences rather than masking what I felt. To allow an authentic expression of self rather than the superficial pursuit of being a good person. In sharing this story I am not advocating incivility. I am encouraging a practice of Healing & Growth unattached to worship and dogma. To any belief system that is more focused on what we are doing rather than how we are doing it. To be guided by wisdom rather than the ruling ethical standards of the day. Building blocks of living to be embodied rather than lived with or tolerated.
- Excerpt from the forthcoming book Language of the Soul: A Path of Simplicity